Durian for Lunch | Leading to Deeper Thoughts

Mum bought packs of durian yesterday. She has been super generous with her ‘sharing’ since her small windfall. I am not stopping her, even though the way this goes, the windfall may sometimes escalate into a bad spending habit and deplete her savings. It’s her money, I never really interfered into how she manages her finances. It’s strange that when the mother and sister went out shopping and about to buy a big ticket item, they phoned to tell me about it, as though to seek for my validation or permission.

I learned that it’s very hard that I don’t worry. I used to assume that everyone sees ‘patterns’ like I do; I didn’t realize that people actually don’t notice patterns. Patterns of behaviors and habits help us project a more accurate outcome in the near and even the far future. It is not so much about the stereotypes, but even stereotypes are derived from perhaps intense research into the patterns of group behaviors.

It is hard because it is not easy to ignore. I am not naturally compassionate, at least not weighted on the regular scale. My compassion weighs heavily on logic and rationality. Say, I don’t naturally feel sad for sick people; my heart wrenches when I thought about the people who are related to them, the things they can no longer enjoy, and the time spent in treatments and asking questions that have no satisfactory answers. My compassionate derives from understanding the physical and emotional distress that the affect person is suffering, not just the event/sickness alone.

I hardly have any regret now. I have reconciled with the regrets in the past – result of youthful willfulness, impetuousness, and plain simple-mindedness. The one thing that works for me is that I always do my best, by my clear conscience, even that means adhering to my rigid codes of conduct that makes people angry at. I do my best, and I know I will make the same informed decision no matter how many times I return to the same spot on the same matter with the same circumstances – that is if time machine really exists.

By surrendering my worries of what I picked up from the patterns, it is similar to withholding information, which I am not entirely sure if it helps the person. The ‘patterns’ are usually factual, but factual may sometimes be perceived as cruel truth, or in some people’s minds – rudeness.

This might explain why I always get under someone’s skin, even if I meant well. The things I have to say, are not always what others want to hear. It is also true that I don’t praise very well.

By years of ‘training’, we learn not to speak of what displeases others. I think I am going to follow the inner instincts instead.

See, I believe I don’t have naturally developed common sense, because the prerequisite is to be ‘normal’ and well blended in the groups. I dont’ fit in well. I am a keen observer though, and I think that is a life saver. My common sense is more self-centered. I have never denied that I am self-centered. That is how I function, when I stopped focusing on myself, I loses the bit of identity standing, and I can spin out of control in the whirlpool of identity crisis.

I pay attention to the inner-struggles, and inner-peace. Let’s say, this is also part of the holistic approach – note that ‘holistic’ has absolutely nothing to do with the word holy or religion, people associate that word to religion and get ballistic for the unintended, so I thought I clear that up for a bit, I am kind of tired of being misunderstood – whereby you align your mind, heart and if you like, ‘soul’ in synchronicity.

Take this case for instance. I ‘see’ a pattern – usually compiled with information collected from the past – of a possible habit that may churn out a less than desirable outcome, I THINK that I should do my part in sharing that information with the mother. I also know that she won’t like what I have to say. I choose to ignore that information so that everyone is happy. Everyone, except myself.

If I pay attention to the inner-voice, I FEEL the unsettling struggle. The feeling does not go away for a long time. What do I do?

I can continue to ignore it, and the nagging feeling keeps knocking hard, harder each time. That is a perfect catalyst to spark off the bad vibes and turn a perfectly great day into an unmanageably bad day.

The solution is simple. Just say my piece, rest the unsettling inner-struggles. As long as we keep our objective well-intedned, it cannot hurt anyone, unless they choose to see otherwise. We are presented with a special gift and knowledge because it is intended for us to see or sense better than the rest in the specific ‘expertise’.

Again, there is no coincidence. Everything is intended to be what it is.

I don’t really care about the money, but I know most people do, yet they fail to manage what matters to them.

My mother is sensitive when it comes to advice on her spending. It’s completely understandable. No one likes to be ‘lectured’ about their spending habits, especially that she is married to a husband who nags and scolds when she overspent. I merely remarked that she might want to keep some away for rainy days. I say what I have to, and I rest the case.

Believe it. I get many chances to say ‘I told you so’ to many people. I don’t do that because it is not helping. It is a different scenario if I were consulted on a matter that involved me and my well-being, and I gave specific instruction or resolution, yet was done otherwise and resulted in an undesired outcome. I would make it a point, ‘Didn’t I ask you not to?’ because it may not help then, it is intended to help for future matters. It is really my way of saying, ‘learn the lesson, and don’t make the same mistake again’.

Indeed, it is not an easy feat to work for me; it is worse having married to me. I am specific to point most of the time. When I make mistake, I admit and apologize, beat myself up and make sure I learn from it. I do not apologize lightly, especially not to a wrong that I do not commit.

Oh well, that is quite a lot of thoughts generated from a pack of ‘Cat Mountain King’ grade durian! The durian gave me a day of bad gastric discomfort though. 😛


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