This post has been permanently moved to Lis Writes: When Depression is about Successful Survivorship
LIS WRITES narrates the creative thoughts of the author, Lis Sun, on mental health and mental wellness topics. Lis adopts a Socratic approach to question the presuppositions and uses behavioural science to explain pattern-forming habits. LIS WRITES promotes nurturing metacognition by mindful introspection to become more aware of the inner workings of one’s mind that have effects on the behaviours.
Quirky Missy 
Such a powerful piece. It reminds me of the struggles that loved ones and I have endured and, thankfully, survived.
Thinking about the way that depressed people put on a show of happiness and energy, I speculate too that this is also a defense mechanism to protect from a society that doesn’t understand. In the past, depression was written off as weakness, so people who were depressed actually lived in some danger if their condition became known to family or employers. So they have to pretend to be happy to survive, instead of getting the treatment they need. In some stricter households, the rule was (and maybe still is), Depression is not allowed in this family. I think that attitude has to change.
And like you say in the post, depressed people also worry about their effect on their loved ones, so they may pretend to be happy so as not to cause problems or difficulty. This only worsens the problem — they feel guilt for having the illness, for the illness hurting their loved ones. So they work even harder to feign happiness, and they exhaust themselves as you observe.
I think the key takeaway for me is the line, “Telling people that we are waiting for them at the end of the tunnel is setting a massive expectation that we are looking forward to seeing a happy and well person. That is sometimes a tall order to fulfill; and why depressed people feign a happy mood.” I think we as family members or loved ones of those with depression need to be more understanding and more tolerant of the struggles of our loved one. Instead of saying, “I will wait until you emerge from the tunnel happy and well,” I think it should be, “I will be with you, day by day, as you do your best to endure, and, hopefully, see light again someday.” Just be there, understanding, accepting, loving, without imposing expectations of happiness and health.
LikeLike
Thank you for your input and insight. Indeed, hope can be a treatment or poison. Hope is frequently associated with the consequential outcome, disappointment. Depressed people feel enormously burdened to avoid disappointing the loved ones, and depression has a notorious way of sucking us back to the dark space. Depressed people don’t choose it, they just find themselves in the same place from time to time, the guilt of falling back into the sad place once again can be too much to bear. Just because we give love doesn’t mean that it will yield the outcome we want. So, but we don’t want to disappoint people who love us. Surviving depression is not something to be rushed.
LikeLike
Hello! Sorry to read such a tragedy…I was writing just wondering if you are interested to meet other aspie girls…
I just realised I am one(my whole life suddenly makes sense) anyway now keen to find other rare jewels 😉 like myself WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ME. Sooo frustrated always being surrounded by neurotypicals. I passing through Sg mid Jan and will base nearby for a bit, please get in touch by email if interested! Cheers, Zoe 🙂
LikeLike
If you have just found out about Aspie features on yourself, this phase is mainly self-discovery and finding answers that explain your past. My recommendation is to take this process slowly (it’s not an easy thing to do, we are Aspie, we must have ALL the information NOW!) and it would be prudent to assume that Aspies exist in a broad variant on its own. Meaning that even if you find another Aspie who understands you, our quirks can still potentially make it difficult to find friends even among Aspies. I blogged about the stages of my discovery of Asperger’s which led me to seek a formal diagnosis here: http://www.quirkymissy.com/2014/05/aspergers-diary-aftermath-diagnosis/
It’s a long post, so you don’t have to read it if you tire easily by reading. As for meeting up, I’m at the anti-social phase at this point (I think you could relate to that, many Aspies experience bouts of antisocial tendency from time to time). I’ll drop you an email following this. Online socialization is much more manageable than meeting in person. (^.^)v
LikeLike